Lecture X. A mystery is concealed, and a metaphysical solution must exist. Things were meaningless whose meaning had always been self-evident. What is truest about it is that there is nothing even funny or silly in it; it is cruel and stupid, purely and simply.
At first it seemed as if such questions must be answerable, and as if he could easily find the answers if he would take the time; but as they ever became more urgent, he perceived that it was like those first discomforts of a sick man, to which he pays but little attention till they run into one continuous suffering, and then he realizes that what he took for a passing disorder means the most momentous thing in the world for him, means his death.
I translate freely. The attitude of unhappiness is not only painful, it is mean and ugly. One can distinguish many kinds of pathological depression.
This question must confront us on a later day. I assayed many ways to help to quiet my conscience, but it would not be; for the concupiscence and lust of my flesh did always return, so that I could not rest, but was continually vexed with these thoughts: This or that sin thou hast committed: thou art infected with envy, with impatiency, and such other sins: therefore thou art entered into this holy order in vain, and all thy good works are unprofitable.